May 14, 2017

Being a Mom: The REAL story :) Happy Mother's Day!

Being a mom: The REAL story :)
What does it mean to be a mom? It's more than bringing life into the world. For when all is said and done, that was the easy part! No. Being a mom is more than that. I thought it would be fun to dive into the life of a mom--the REAL story. LOL! Enjoy!
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Sleeeeeep. I need sleeeeeep. 5 times. FIVE TIMES I got up last night because he wanted to nurse. And blew out his sleeper. YAWN. It's only 6am? seriously? sigh. Okay. I don't care if caffeine is a no-go...I will deal with the fall out because I just can't make it today...(5 hrs later) Whhhyyyy did I drink that coffee this morning??! Why???  He won't sleeeeeeeepppp!!! Just close your eyes...close them. Please??!
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Are you kidding me? I thought these diapers CAUGHT the poop! Up your back? In your hair. Dude. It's bathtime for you. If I can just carry you by your armpits without you dripping poop on the floor......I am positive this is the TWENTIETH diaper I have changed today! ugh. seriously? You decide to pee on me as soon as I take your diaper off??!
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My chest hurts soooooo bad. Knives. I have KNIVES OR GLASS SHARDS coming out. (sobbing) This hurts so bad. I know i have to keep nursing you, but it hurts SOOOOO bad! I feel like crap. And still have to take care of you. I love you so much--but I just...(sob) Mastitis is the worst thing ever!!! (sob) No one said it would hurt THIS bad!

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(sob) I am so sorry baby! Mama didn't mean to. shhh shhh. don't cry. I was just trying to cut your fingernails! Mama didn't mean to draw blood. (Sob) I am the worst mama ever. (sob)
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Oh. Oh. Man. Seriously. Ugh. I have GOT to go to the bathroom. But you are in the middle of your nursing. I wonder if I can just do it. Without detatching you. No. I can hold it. Nope. I can't. Okay. Let's do this. If I can just hold you in this arm. I can unfasten my jeans with this hand.....there. Okay. now. Let's see. Just pull. Switch arms...whoops. Sorry! There you go. Get back on. mmm. Oh man. I gotta go so bad. I gotta get these pants down. There! Woohoo!!! I can pee and nurse at the same time! I can't wait to tell my friends...
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Oh man. This dinner is soooo good! I am loving this broccoli! (3 hrs later) what in heaven's name was I thinking eating broccoli for dinner??! Come on baby boy. Just fart. get it over with. Please don't cry. Mama is soooo sorry! She won't eat broccoli ever again!!! Where IS that Gripe water?! Oh man. this stuff is like magic. okay. Let's bicycle your legs again. It will feel better soon baby. Yes! There you go! That's a HUGE fart! Aren't you the big boy!
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(baby cries near me) What in the...are you kidding me? It's not even my baby! Why did my milk let down?! Great. Just great. My shirt is soaked. I should have thrown in those extra nursing pads. Now everyone is starting at my chest. that's a first. Sigh. Okay. time to eat little one. Mama's ready even if you aren't yet. 
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Sigh. Looks like I am spending another night in the recliner with you on my chest. Poor baby. Snot sucks. I wish you could blow your nose....how much snot can one baby make? SEriously? Is this cold ever going to be over??! where is that NoseFreida? I can't believe I am actually using this thing...
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Okay. That's it. I have GOT to figure out where that smell is coming from. I give you a bath like a good mom--but you still smell. Wait. What is this...? Ewww! I am the horrible mom in the world! YOur belly button is so nasty! And what? Ugh. How did I miss the crusts in your fat creases?! Seriously. I am the horrible mom ever! But at least I figured out the smell....oh you think that's funny? Mommy is funny?! nom nom nom. Mommy's going to eat those chubs....
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Oh no. A fever. What do I do? oh man. red gums. Well at least I know it's teeth. But why do teeth mean snot? Ugh. And I can't get ANYTHING done lugging you around, but you just want mama. Of course you do....Oh man. I am about to go crazy from sleep deprivation again--I thought I was over that! And my baby's endless fusyness is driving me over the edge--tooth--just come in already!!!!!! How blasted long does it take to grow tooth???!!! I am the worst mom in the world. Lord grant me more patience... 
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Shhh shhh. I know you aren't happy! I know you are hungry! But mama can only drive so fast...shhh... (reaching around awkwardly with left hand to shake the carseat while driving)...shhhh. Ok. fine. I don't care. I'm pulling over on the side of this highway and nursing you right now. I am NOT driving home to this sound. Whyyyyy are you the one child who hates a pacifier???!
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Da-da
Seriously? I stay up with you when you are sick, change 20 diapers a day, freely clean up your bodily fluids, operate like a 24 hour dairy barn---and you say--DADA first??! Well I guess the bonus is now when you say DaDA at 2 am, I can nudge your "Dada" and tell him that he's being called by name so it's his turn. muuuaaahahahahahaha.
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Whew. It is so nice to get dressed up for church. Finally out of the jeans and tshirt for one day. I even get to wear a non-maternity outift this time because I FINALLY am losing some baby weight! Woot Woot! Lovin' my blouse and skirt today. Okay. Looks like we are ready. You get the diaper bag, I've got the baby! Whhhhhhhaaattt is that...sigh. Honey! Looks like we have to wait! He just spit up all down my back and I think he blew out his church clothes. Sigh. Looks like clothing changes for us all...because why would mommy think she would actually be able to wear something not spit up covered?! 
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Ouch! You drew blood you little milk-sucking vampire! Okay. That's the last time you bite me. Looks like it's time to cut you off. ARGH! Why won't you just eat green beans already?! Just open your mouth so I can shove this in. Open for the airplane! Dirt? You won't eat green beans, but you will eat as much dirt as you can cram in your mouth?! Fine. Go for it. Get your minerals. ACK! Okay--not the worm. Let's not eat the worm. 
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That's it--you can do it! Way to go! Boy you can really move across the room! I can't wait to show everyone this video! Woh! Wait--no! Not the cord you will---ahhh! Great. Now I can show a picture of my shattered lamp. You are so fast! ARGH! Why do you go so fast?! What was I thinking to encourage you to actually walk??!
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Phew! Finally. Got him to sleep. So glad that I can now sit down and....for the love of...I am going to shoot that train engineer!! Why do you think you have to lay on that train whistle as you go by my house...thanks so much for waking up my exhausted son. Awesome. There goes my plans for this afternoon. sigh. Mommy's coming!
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For the last time--pee goes in the toilet. NOT the middle of mommy's floor. Woohh...are you squatting?! Eek! hold it! Hold it! Don't poop until I get you on the toilet! Whew. Close call. Yes. I will wipe your butt. 
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Okay. Just gotta get one more thing and then we can leave the store...what? You have to pee. let's see. the bathroom is...all the way across the store. Okay. Can you hold it? No? It's gotta come now? Seriously? Okay. Hang on. Mommy is going as fast as she can with the cart! Cross your legs! Hold it! "Whoops--sorry! I didn't mean to bump your cart!" I am hurrying honey! Hang in there. Almost there...and yes! made it. Hurrry. Okay. Good empty stall. Yes, you can stand on my feet. Let's get your pants down...wooh! Wait wait! I don't have them down all the--okay. Well. good job. We can change your pants. Way to be a big boy.---5 minutes later---WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO PEE AGAIn?!
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Yes, honey? Whatcha need? What do you mean? You got JERKY up your nose?? HOW DID YOU GET JERKY UP YOUR NOSE??! We are in the car on the highway! Okay- Well at least your dad is driving. Let me get my tweezers out of my purse. Hang on. DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THERE TO GET IT! I know it burns. I would imagine so. Okay. Let me get my seatbelt off..there. Okay tilt your head back. Um...got it! What on earth? This piece is like an inch long?! Now you know why we DON'T PUT JERKY UP OUR NOSE!!! Are you okay now? Okay. Good. 
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Who got this mud on the carpet? Ugh. I have clean this up. If people would just wipe their shoes they would...wait. What. You have got to be kidding me...WHO POOPED ON THE FLOOOR???!!! Seriously!! Ew. My hands are going to smell like crap for the whole day. *sending text to ask mom about getting poop stains out of carpet*
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Oh man. I am so tired...I feel like I just go go go. No one cares that I have spent the whole day doing laundry. And cooking. And cleaning. And running errands. And picking up toys. And wiping butts. I still can't wear my pre-pregnancy pants--even though he's almost 3 years old now. I am going to be fat forever!!! I just want to sit here. And cry. And drown my sorrows in this box of Swiss Roll Debbie cakes. What? Is that my name I hear? Sigh. Guess it is. Who would have thought DaDa was his first word. Sigh. I will go see what he wants...
oh. hey sweetheart. whatcha got? 
For me? These flowers are for me? 
You picked them yourself? just for me?! They are beautiful! Yes, I do want to smell them. 
What honey? Yes they ARE my favorite color. I absolutely adore them. 
Put them in a jar? Sure we can. Mmm. I just love them. 
What my monkey? Yes. I WOULD LOVE a hug and kiss. 
Mm. I love you too. Forever and ever and ever.
Sigh. Who cares about pre-pregnancy pants? 
I have the best. job. ever.
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Happy Mother's Day my friends! 
Whether a mom of blood or a mom of the heart--or a dad doing the best he can at filling mom's shoes. You are amazing.  


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